Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
