Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
