In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
