I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
