she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
