i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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