the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
