im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
