Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
