if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I can't put those talents on a resume
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
