The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My ATM looks so different sober.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
