He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
