The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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