Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
