OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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