I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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