I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
