the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
