Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
