Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
