I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
