dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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