I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
