what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
