Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
