What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
