Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
