did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
