Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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