What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
