I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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