i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
