dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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