cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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