I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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