Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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