Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I did not marry a roomba.
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