um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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