I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
