Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
