I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
