jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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