My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
