my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
