Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
