gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
