Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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