It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
