I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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