Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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