his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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